ever the optimistic enablerAt this time of year I always think of you and I'm reminded of the trips we took, like when we camped on the beach and we talked about your father's nervous breakdown and how much of himself he sees in you.He always gave you warnings and you always heard them as something else, something more like being reprimanded.Like when that girl you were in love with, who judged everyone by her own standards, assumed we'd been having some kind of secret affair, which of course we hadn't, but you drank a whole bottle of vodka and you were angry so you tried to throw yourself out of the car while I was driving.Then you punched the door and thought maybe your hand was broken because of how it felt the last time you punched something when you were drunk. And I didn't speak the whole way home because I'd run out of things to say many corners ago. It was dark and my head hurt and all I could see were the lights on the cars in front and on the other side of the road.And the memory of every tim
sketches of wishes00:47crying with myface turned to the walland i want to say something likemy heart is breakingmy stomach lurchesand ties itself in knotsreminding me to donormal thingslike eatingdrinking(waiting for the phone to ring)i would give youhalf of my bodyif i couldfor all it's worthi would rip it apartwith my bare handsand carry it to youin a heart shaped boxor a cut-glass coffinor bleeding through my fingersthese thousands of milesare nothing compared towhat i would trade withthe powers-that-beif only...i haven't finished a sentence in 8 days nownight finds it's way to usand our waitingonly sleep here, no comaand we start the daythinking of youof you and your silence00:49
i never called it making lovestars fade and scars fade andchemicals melt and i'm left withthe burn of the light in your eyesand the curve of your lipsand the strength of your backas it tightens and loosensin rhythms of heartbeatsa transfer of heatan osmosis of peacethe skin of your wristbetween my teethand life flowsand love flowsand truth settles inand sleep liftslike snow driftsand wraps me in youand my dreams are my ownbut i'm yoursand you hold me(untouchable cold me)the grace of a whispera fall in the mirrorand in this reflectioni see what you seeand dissolve in your arms
to someone you eat pizza withLike when someone you haven't seen in months doesn't notice how much weight you've lost and emptiness tastes so much better than food for a few days after.When shoulders that can hold up the world seem somehow less than delicate wrists with a child's watch, hanging loose on bones that still bear the never-quite-healed cracks of too many fractures, and the memory of jeans that slid over narrow hips and the gap between waistband and concave stomach.When you laugh about how sweet you take your coffee cause you used to count it as food, the only calories you will allow yourself today, 16 in each spoonful of sugar, and the habit never totally left, even after you started eating solid things again.Standing in front of the mirror, breathing in, trying not to long for xylophone ribs and telling yourself over and over that you shouldn't miss the spikes and troughs of skin stretched over skeleton.Repeating this mantra of It is better to be healthy and trying to resist the urge to st
what did you expect from drugs and holidays?I remember the first time, shooting speed at 5am and driving to the docks for a ferry ride where I couldn't drink a pint of beer for breakfast, to a winding road where I swallowed some ephedrine pills and had to keep pulling in to throw up on the hard shoulder.We listened to a song called Tourniquet and I cried behind my dark glasses, wishing we were beyond our burdens, imagining them trailing by a rope behind the car and breaking into pieces on the road.And more tears for the forests and the bridges and the mountains, and the white sand beach and the turquoise waves and the endless sky that never got dark.Nights and mornings drifted into each other, ecstasy giving way to exquisite exhaustion, to sleeping through hours that didn't need to be counted.A fire-walk and light and shadows dancing on the rocks, a theatre of dreams, of memories from before time was measured with numbers.Nothing burned.Nothing hurt.And now, here we are, all these years later and no longer looking for som
from a second storey windowIVclothes that lookedhonest on youthat would have seemedcontrived on anyone elseIIIa portrait of youframed on a wallyou standing next to itIIa party in summerecstasy and cocktailsIa phone callIa light went outIItwenty one hours laterand i can't stop imagining your fallIIItwo months and two daysa crowd and red winea free bar and your long coatIVone year and four monthsyou told me i looked likean actress from an old filmi remember the things that don't matter
prosopagnosia isso i taught myself to memorise facesd i a g r a m a t i c a l l ylike beautiful wireframe sculpturesthe tilt of a chinthe meeting of lipsthe curve of eyelashes sweeping a blinkthe angles of hairline-browbone-cheekbone-jawmy own reflectiona formula wrapped in dysmorphiapainted on canvas scrolls and carved into stonethe mirror is a biblical mastera vengeful godbut a photographis hearing my name whisperedin a language that was excised from my mindby a quiet stranger who follows mealways arms-length behind
cigarettes as a metaphor...i rememberedlying on my bedyour smileyour eyesall those clicheshow amazing for someone who forgets most faces in an instantyou said you had felt this way, always (kind of)but it wasn't appropriate (before)chipping away at the part of me that once trusted people to just BEwithout any subtext(oh look, subtext)standing with you, next to my carthe realisation that this was going nowherei leaned on the door and shuffled my feet as you said i wouldn't fit into your lifenot really, beyond, you knowa cut-throat reminder that i was enough for only some thingsi hope you enjoyed that little momentthat you took it home and wrapped yourself in itfeeling a swell of pridefor having broken the unbreakablei found your cigarettes in my bag(the pack was crushed)i smoked them, one by one, all afternoonuntil i could breathe againthe skylight open above my headlying on my bedi remembered
today in case you didn't knowtodayi woke up to the news about youthen i had two cups of coffeethe first was filterand the second was instanttodayi stared blankly at a screenwhich was anything but blanki tried to form words and sentencesthey melted and dripped over my handstodayi was so aware of my heart beatingsomething i don't usually noticei closed my eyes andtried to find comfort in soundtodayi tried to will breath to youacross these empty mileslike we should have that connectionat least once, before you gotodayi fell silent, and criedi tried so hard to think ofmundane things like coffeeto distract me from the knowledge thattodayyou are dyingand my heart fractures in timewith it's own steady beatand i love you(in case you didn't know)
snowy owl totemthey used to say potential like it was a life-sentenceachievement, like a weight around your neckexpectation to be smoked away like cigarettes, into toxic vapoursitting on the roof at midnight mourning nothingand the letting go of medals pinned to your skin without your permissionand you lived in full-colour and dismissed the concept of regretearly mornings, long days and late nights like a beautiful oceanin the waves there was radiant delight and wonder, this crystalline desireand fulfillment and exuberance and time never wastedevery second of delicious experience committed to a universe of memorynow they say impressive like a consolation, so proud of youdelicately inserting ornamental feathers in the wireframe shell of your wingsbecause they don't realise you used to be able to soar without them, and will againand you smile because you are earth and air and fire and waterand the bird that lands on your outstretched arm in dreams of sto
compareeins.you werethe smoke pouring out of her mouth,(misty coils of a vague filth,dancing to noir jazz, fading with each note)smudged lipstick on the side of of her mouth,and the little streak that crawled to her toothwhen she bit her lip in a supposed wonder,and her eyes threw a faint film over themselves,(like an elegant lady wraps a silk shawl around herself in a light breeze)zwei.you hadthe light feet of a dancerwhose calluses were hidden under tight shoes,whose toes would arch like Nut over her children,(and she or you would spin with the earth, holding her frame as if-as if earth was something of mass, as if it had a shape to hold onto)whose leg would stretch over her head,her arms, long, pretty, snakes, her fingers curled, and her wrists tense(her eyelashes were grazing her cheekbones,her ballet whisking her like a beaten egg, and the laces of her shoescaught on a rusty nail, which sliced her ankle open, a wince danced on her lips,mocking her)drei.you sanga
PleaseI want you to love meA little like I love you.Like lovers kissingFor the first time thatIt sets the world on fire.And I plan to burn downWith it because I keep failingTo realize that I'm more thanJust a body for you to touch,A body for you to hold.You arms around my ribsMakes me feel so fragile,But so safe that I could notPossibly break while youContain me.And I can feel you hand slippingFrom mine even though I begYou to stay because I hateThe word goodbye and howYou look as you walk away.Please,I want you to remember meWhen you arrive.And I want you to remember meWhen you leave me behind.
in the head, in the heart, in the mirrorand you, you bitchwith your prison guard keysyou followed me homeand you spat demandsin my facestop.fall.kneel.lie.still.(lie still)from daysto monthsto seven yearsand countingso i shot myselfin the headin the heartin the mirrorlips worn paledrinking your poisonthe taste of us bothon a sliver of icein the headin the heartin the mirrorand all i can think isi am so out of focusi am so out of focus
Twenty: I'm afraid I'm growing oldi.Coupons and sales magazineshave become more than just junk mailand the holes in my pantsseem more patchableand I wonder just how muchmy sparse jewelry would fetchif I said I saw the face of Jesusin the glimmer of my pearls.ii.I am beginning to miss the sea I grew up onso much that I will read bad poetryjust for the mention of a salty ocean breeze.I feel landlocked and sometimes I'm afraidthat I will never see the worlduntil I have retired from it.iii.Faith says her life is full of asking.I wish mine were full of answers,but I too have many questionsand only Time will answer them for me.iv.My mother just turned sixtyand her eyes when she looks at herselfin pictures from the '70smakes me realizethat my time, however long,is short.
i miss the girl i almost wasi miss the girl i almost wasshe sits lightly on the edge of the bedat 4am and brushes my hair back from myface with a touch like spiders' footstepsher breath is like ice andher wishes are weightlessshe wraps a strand of promises aroundher fingers and kisses me goodbye againwith lips like polished crystalshe waits for me at crossroadsshe is always cold
sunday is breakingi ran through myselfthrough the glassthrough your handsthrough the nightto this morningto this mourningthis requiemrequisite thunderingfaltering memoryglasses half fulland the bottles half emptyi fell in lovefell against table topsfell down the stairsand fell into thisblackout and breathlessnesswaking to silenceyour coma my medicinesunday is breakingand something is brokenblood dries and eyes openyou sleep until 2pmand i have time to dream
december's apologyDecember fadesshe loosens her gripand raises her handin a cold goodbyeand it fallslike blood pressurewhite powdera flurry, a blanketto cling to her bonesDecember encircles his bodywith pale brittle armswith the weight of the weightlessthe weight of his wordslike a stoneor an arrowDecember's apologyhangs in the air
my best friend, upstairsi am not the sad girl at the partylying crying in the bedroomin the dark and wishingsomeone would come in andput their arms around me tell meeverything will be alright againtomorrow so i wish that they wouldstay and say they love me but iwatch them walk away likeeverybody always does, even adrunken slurred 'i love you' is worthmore than what i have, buti am not the sad girl at the partyi'm the one inhaling powders andi'm choking pills downtalking fastersmiling harderlife and soulmagicianwitcha wicked bitchwho dares tokeep a secretand i'm waiting for thetonne of bricks to fall.
WhyWhy?Why?Why me?Why am I the only one who walks alone,Whose thoughts are drowned and bathed in black?Why am I the only one who thinks like this?Why can't I remember another time, when everything was happy?Why can't I remember any other emotions?The only one who sees the world in black,Walking alone, unseen, a ghostSee-fuckin'- through,Alone.Screaming, unheard.I want. I'm greedy.Yet I push away.No one can join me, no one can see me.I don't want anyone to see this side of me.
Good Night PainCount to three,wipe your tears,try to get rid,of all your fears.Don't think of it.Don't think of him.Close your eyes.Come on, try to be wise.Don't get the pin.Don't get the knife.They'd be mad,and you'd still be sad.Don't think of him,but yet you do.He's so mean,But he says he loves you.You live to please.You please to live."Be safe" he said.So just GET IN BED.It's relief from pain,or the man you love.No more, please.just get some zzz's.Stop your talking.Stop your crying.Get some rest.It's for the best.Sleep can be,just what you need.So count to three,and wipe your tears.Say good night.Go to bed.Close your eyes,and rest your head.Good Night.
I Deserve....When I tell you I am fine,you better look between the lines,because even I could tell you,that's a Lie.My eyes say, what my heart, Never will.I deserve to be alone.I deserve the pain.Still I miss love.I still miss him.This is what I deserve.But you'd never hear it from me.You'd have to just see it in my eyes....
You SayYou say,I'm beatiful,I'm overreacting,I'm not FAT.For one day,switch with me.You will see thestares.You will hear thejokes.Image being afraidto look in a mirror.Bet you didn't realizethat if you saw my fat legyou'd see scars,that I keep hidden from you.
A Writer's InsanityI talk to youBut you don't listenI scream to you for helpBut you don't listenI cry out in anguish for youBut you don't listenI fall to my kneesBut you don't see meI collapse within my mindBut you don't see meI welcome death's harbingerBut you don't see meI reach for your heartBut you don't feel meI touch your soulBut you don't feel meI give you my allBut you don't feel meI write my wordsAnd the paper listensI speak my thoughtsAnd the paper listensI show my emotionsAnd the paper listensI want to give upAnd the paper shows me the wayI feel hopelessAnd the paper shows me the wayI am lost in my painAnd the paper shows me the wayI cryAnd the paper saves meI hurtAnd the paper saves meI long for the abyssAnd the paper saves meI don't need you to hear meThe paper listensI don't need you to see meThe paper shows me the wayI don't need you to feel meThe paper saves me
Some PeopleSome people spend their whole lives regretting.Some people spend forever locked away.Some people follow a misleading heading.Some people are easily led far astray.But I could neverFor each day we're togetherIs a blessing too profound to describe.
so they canwristsarmslegsskin[scars]feeling of i don't know what to
Wash Your Face.Watch your makeup drip away-See how ugly you think you are.Realize you hate yourself.Bring your fist through the mirror,Watch your hand bleed in fear...Cry a little bit.Know you're nothing-Feel no one loves you,That you're alone.Remember how you once were loved,How he held your hand-Made you fall;Right onto your once pretty face.Look back into your shattered mirror-Broken into a zillion pieces.Bring your hands to your face,Feel the wrinkles and utter disgrace.Think back on life-How you lived,That day he held you in the rain...Lightning crackling through night's sky.Remember you were loved-That you are beautiful afterall...
A Mere GoodbyeIf all your words are,Just a mere goodbye,Please,Say no more.To you goodbye,May be just a new beginning,But to me Goodbye,Is but a sad ending,Waiting to be forgotten.I do not wish for loss,I do not wish for goodbyes,But I wish for a worldWithout such empty regrets.If this is how it must be,Then please say no more,Because those words are empty,Empty like the sunset,That bids farewell to the day.I do not wish for you, Anymore,I do not wish for another you,But I do not wish to hear,Such empty words of disappointment.If all your words are,Just a mere goodbye,Please,Say no more.
like a fistlove like a fista black eyea split lipa connectionbleed into blissskin againstbone against skintender bruisesdelicate fracturesand no need for apologies
This is love. True, honest love.And these scars are true beauty.